NFL Wives and Girlfriends (WAGS)

07/22/14
 

Larry English's Girlfriend Nicole Williams

 

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In the world of low-stakes sports reporting, finding out a little gem like the one about Larry English's girlfriend Nicole Williams is always odd. It was reported by Larry Brown Sports that Nicole folds Larry's underwear. What an odd, stupid thing to report on. Larry, do you have a mother complex, perhaps? Or maybe Nicole just digs folding underwear. Imagine if the question came up out of the blue from the paparazzi or whoever asked it, without context. "You're looking real nice today, Nicole, what are you up to today? Oh, that's cool; do you fold Larry English's underwear by chance?" Weird stuff comes out of peoples' mouths when they're talking to women as hot as Nicole.

Well let's get to the thing I've become obsessed with recently- the pre-draft measurables. Now, I know- Larry has been in the league for quite some time, but I wouldn't be talking about this if there weren't something to talk about. First off, he scored a 34 on the Wonderlic test. He's a linebacker, folks. He's supposed to be a drone hunter-killer, not a strategic wiz. For those of you who forgot, the Wonderlic test is supposed to tell people how good someone is at problem solving. Secondly, the dude jumped 36 inches for his vertical test. He's 6'2" and 255 pounds. What a monster. Imagine me, a 5'9" 160 pound guy, walking up to Larry English and telling him to his face that he has a mother complex. Maybe if I was wearing full protective NFL gear. I'd still get multiple bones broken, but it'd be less messy. I wouldn't sue him either; I know I had it coming.

I have to say: Nicole Williams is legit model material. Very beautiful woman. When you used to hear the word "model" in the late 80's (not 90's because of the weird grunge girl craze that happened in conjunction with grunge music taking over everyone's soul) this is the woman you would picture. Just a legitimately beautiful woman. She has the classy air about her too. Larry English knows he's lucky.

07/21/14
 

Joe Haden's Wife Sarah Haden

 

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Joe Haden's wife Sarah Haden changed her last name to his, as is the custom her for some reason. Seems arbitrary but whatever. Her former last name was Mahmoodshahi, which is way cooler sounding than Haden. It's pronounced "Mahk-mood-shah-hee" as compared to "Hay-din." No offense to Joe, but that's a trade-down.

Sarah and Joe were recently featured on one of those garish Wedding magazines for their wedding. It featured 19,000 square feet of white carpet (donated to Habitat for Humanity afterwards), cotton-candy martinis (barf) and strawberry Collins (gross) were the featured drinks. Joe wore gold shoes because he likes to show off. Haden is a solid player and got selected for the Pro Bowl last year after his 43 tackles and 4 interceptions. He got suspended for four games and four game checks for testing positive for Adderall. The suspension will cost him $1.356 million. Now what the heck was he doing with Adderall-- studying game footage into the wee hours of the night? Does Adderall help you lift weights now? I don't get it. Haden's wikipedia page is confusing when it comes to his pre-draft measurables because it has him down as a 4.69 in the 40-yard dash, and then it says that he ran 4.57 and disappointed the scouts. Well which was it? It's then cleared up that Joe had a bad back that day and later ran a 4.43 time on another "pro day." Still doesn't beat Champ Bailey's 4.29 time, Joe, and let's not even start with Bo Jackson's 4.12. I don't know why I get so caught up with these 40-yard dash numbers every time, but Bo Jackson is a machine.

So here's to hoping Sarah enjoys her life in Strongsville, Ohio in the lap of luxury as Joe pulls in $67.5 million over the next five years. The Browns have said they're paying him like he's the best cornerback in football.

07/11/14
 

Johnny Manziel's Girlfriend Colleen Crowley

 

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Ladies, you need a written confirmation from Johnny F-Bombs to use the word "girlfriend" when speaking about your relation to him. We're generally intelligent enough to infer that if you take a girl to venue after venue, event after event, game after game, carnival after carnival, and eating contest after eating contest, she's your girlfriend. However, Johnny Manziel's "girlfriend" Colleen Crowley has not yet gotten the paperwork in her mailbox from Johnny's people. She's your prototype blonde edgy internet trophy, so you know he's interested. You've seen'em before, and you know they're a hot commodity among young sports stars. Johnny-boy is sort of like the comic book sports star archetype. If you were writing a graphic novel, and you needed a character to play the quarterback, you'd likely draw him intuitively.

Manziel and Crowley have been spotted at pretty much every party and club. It's inferred now that they're a couple, though I would venture to guess that neither one has stated their feelings towards the other. You get a vibe like they're test-driving each other. It's a shame Johnny didn't stick with Chantel Jeffries. She seemed way more adventurous than Colleen, but how could mortals like us really know? We don't excel at the art of conversation like Johnny does. Either that, or we just don't throw a football as well and get as many headlines.

Now if Colleen Crowley looks and sounds familiar, then you're more astute than we are. Colleen Crowley's sister is Robyn Crowley,... who also happens to be the smokeshow, fun loving girlfriend of NBA star Chandler Parsons.

A brief recap on Manziel (in case you've been retreating to a cave whenever collegiate football and the NFL draft were mentioned in the past few years)-- he was the first freshman to ever win the Heisman, he  had a sky-high passer rating and threw a gaggle of touchdowns. What I find interesting these days about Johnny is that he's quite a bright fellow, having scored a 32 on the Wonderlic cognitive ability test. The Wonderlic is meant to assess your problem-solving and learning ability, with an average score of about 20 and a possible perfect score of 50. Only one player in the history of the NFL got a 50. His name is Pat McInally, and he's sort of a genius. Johnny scored a 32, which is indeed nothing to sneeze at. It's very high. Apparently, you don't want to score too high on the Wonderlic because coaches will think you'll have a tendency to challenge authority and undermine their decisions. Being a smartypants in the NFL makes the higher-ups insecure. You want to hit that sweet spot just like Johnny Football. Am I right, Colleen?