Detroit Lions Wives and Girlfriends (WAGS)

08/15/14
 

Scott Mitchell's Wife Kim Nifong Mitchell

 

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Scott Mitchell's wife Kim Nifong Mitchell is about to sit at home and watch him suffer on the television. Rather, she'll eventually get to watch him suffer on the television, as the show may have already been pre-taped and is set to air soon. I'm talking about The Biggest Loser, a program where morbidly obese, lazy, and intermittently neurotic caterpillars are transformed into skinny, hyperactive, and often compulsive butterflies. One of the competitors Scott will face is another huge fat guy who used to break bones in the NFL-- Damien Woody. You can read about him and his wife Nicole Woody.

So what about this lady, Scott's wife Kim? Well, for starters, she's been uber-religious her whole life, and when she met Scott way back in the 80's while they were both attending the University of Utah, he was what's known as a stud. Naturally, she started getting roped into Mormonism by Scott, who showed her this movie called "The First Vision." Now, I have watched snippets of the film on YouTube, and let me tell you-- it sucks. It's got this kid who walks around fields and forests and has hallucinations. Today, those people are generally diagnosed as schizophrenics and receive medication to aid their malady. Back in the days of yore, however, they were occasionally diagnosed as prophets who got to found their own organized religion.

Anyway, so Scott's wife Kim decides she's really digging the whole "temple garments" and planet Kolob deal (have fun googling those), and she decides she's going to convert to Mormonism. And for a long time after that, life is smooth sailing. Scott gets to baptize her, which I'm assuming involves pouring a vat of pudding on her elbows and heels because, you know, it's Mormonism. They live a pretty nice life while Scott has a marginal but long-lasting 10 years as a pro quarterback. His best year was in 1995, when he started all 16 games for the Detroit Lions, threw 32 touchdowns, and had a 92 rating. Coincidentally, Barry Sanders had an off year, averaging only 94 yards per game.

Flash forward to now. Mitchell's wife Kim has to face the hard reality of an aging, overweight, "bill collector," as he termed it on The Biggest Loser website. I suppose I'm framing this in a rather polarizing way, but sometimes it feels good to get nostalgic and remember those awesome late 80's days filled with perms, pop music montages in movies, and a whole lot of abstinence.

05/29/14
 

Calvin Johnson's girlfriend Brittney McNorton

 

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Beware the molly-wop! Calvin Johnson’s girlfriend Brittney McNorton threatens this dreaded technique when she feels insulted or disrespected. What is the molly-wop? It’s a street term used to describe a devastating close-fisted finishing maneuver similar to the upper-cut from Mortal Kombat. It was first introduced by the great Shao Kahn following his defeat of the famed warrior, Goro.

I don’t know where Brittney learned the secrets of the m-wop, but she recently began powering it up when she and Calvin went to pick up Calvin’s son at Shallyn Blanton’s home. Shallyn Blanton is the mother of Calvin’s son (also referred to as a “baby mama”). McNorton did not actually unleash the fury of the wop, but the mere mentioning of the technique by her was enough to cause Shallyn to pursue a restraining order against McNorton. Threatening violence in front of a child tends to hasten the restraining order retrieval process.

Brittney works for the Detroit Lions Organization as the Promotions Manager and Manager of Partnership Activation. She also moonlights as a Martial Arts Tournament Organizer and Manager of To-The-Death Matches. No, I kid, but she does work for the Lions and do all that first stuff I mentioned. She went to Michigan State University (the same place Magic Johnson went back in the 70’s). She got a degree in communications and public relations-- you know, the kind that’s useful before you score a fatality on a baby mama. Down, forward corner, forward, punch + kick, back, forward, high punch.

01/21/14
 

Barry Sanders' wife Lauren Campbell-Sanders

 

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Don't you honestly believe that Barry Sanders' wife Lauren Campbell-Sanders had something to do with the early retirement of the most dynamic running back I've ever had the privilege of watching?

I know, I know,... after surprising the world by faxing his retirement to his hometown newspaper, he's since admitted that he was exhausted with the Lions culture of losing. I get that. But doesn't it seem like Lauren Sanders could have been in his ear? After his July, 99 retirement, Barry and Lauren Sanders were married just a year later in 2000. Lauren Sanders is certainly a woman who exerts a certain level of power and authority, serving as a news anchor for WDIV in Detroit, so isn't it at least feasible that she planted the bug in his ear? Shortly after their wedding, the couple began having children, with three sons, Nigel, Nicholas and Noah all born within a short five year period of time. Barry does have one other child from a previous relationship, Barry J. Sanders; who like his father parlayed a successful high school rushing career into a lucrative college scholarship, with Barry Jr. committing to Stanford starting in 2012.

We'll never know how much influence Lauren Sanders did or didn't have on the abrupt retirement,... and it's pretty certain we never will. Why? Because Lauren Campbell Sanders is now Barry Sanders ex-wife. In 2012, the couple filed for divorce, which set off a messy set of squabbling over major issues. The couple was forced into mediation to help sort out the issues including custody, parenting time, spousal and child support, as well as property.

It appears that having her name splashed across TMZ wasn't the easiest thing to cope with as a serious news anchor. According to Lauren's WDIV Biography: "After anchoring the weekend morning newscast for several years, Lauren took a hiatus from the news to focus fully on family life." As of posting in January, 2014, it does appear that she's back on the air in her usual Weekend Morning hosting gig.