Cleveland Browns Wives and Girlfriends (WAGS)

08/28/14
 

Ben Tate's Girlfriend Tasha Malek

 

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Ben Tate's girlfriend Tasha Malek is the mother of Ben's child and an expert selfie-taker. Tasha attended the University of Alabama and graduated in 2008, and it's believed that the two met through college connections.

Tasha is also known for a few other things in the trashcan department: one is being a cast member whom was kicked off the show "Bad Girls Club," which is a Mary Ellis-Bunim show (the creator of The Real World). During her time on the show, she complained that another cast member put her belongings in a trashcan to a police officer, then she fought the other cast member and was ejected from the show and issued a summons from the police for disturbing the peace, resisting arrest, and theft. Tasha apparently also made the statement "I don't think it's right to be gay." She sounds dumber than a box of rocks, but Ben Tate thought she was good looking enough to scooper her up and make her his trophy girlfriend. Try watching a clip from Bad Girls Club Season 7 on YouTube and tell me it doesn't make you depressed.

Ben was a consistent performer on the Texans, averaging 4.3 yards per rush the last two seasons, and now he'll be looking to excel in Cleveland. He had actually played most of the season with cracked ribs, worrying girlfriend Tasha, and finally succumbed to the injured reserve list in December. His season was finished after that, but he's signed for a little over $6 million with incentives for two years, which should keep Tasha occupied enough in shopping malls and poolside selfie shoots. She has probably never worked a single day in her life outside of possibly doing some homework at Alabama-- probably in the easiest of subjects. I would be willing to bet that she majored in communications and that she's an absolutely atrocious communicator.

07/21/14
 

Joe Haden's Wife Sarah Haden

 

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Joe Haden's wife Sarah Haden changed her last name to his, as is the custom her for some reason. Seems arbitrary but whatever. Her former last name was Mahmoodshahi, which is way cooler sounding than Haden. It's pronounced "Mahk-mood-shah-hee" as compared to "Hay-din." No offense to Joe, but that's a trade-down.

Sarah and Joe were recently featured on one of those garish Wedding magazines for their wedding. It featured 19,000 square feet of white carpet (donated to Habitat for Humanity afterwards), cotton-candy martinis (barf) and strawberry Collins (gross) were the featured drinks. Joe wore gold shoes because he likes to show off. Haden is a solid player and got selected for the Pro Bowl last year after his 43 tackles and 4 interceptions. He got suspended for four games and four game checks for testing positive for Adderall. The suspension will cost him $1.356 million. Now what the heck was he doing with Adderall-- studying game footage into the wee hours of the night? Does Adderall help you lift weights now? I don't get it. Haden's wikipedia page is confusing when it comes to his pre-draft measurables because it has him down as a 4.69 in the 40-yard dash, and then it says that he ran 4.57 and disappointed the scouts. Well which was it? It's then cleared up that Joe had a bad back that day and later ran a 4.43 time on another "pro day." Still doesn't beat Champ Bailey's 4.29 time, Joe, and let's not even start with Bo Jackson's 4.12. I don't know why I get so caught up with these 40-yard dash numbers every time, but Bo Jackson is a machine.

So here's to hoping Sarah enjoys her life in Strongsville, Ohio in the lap of luxury as Joe pulls in $67.5 million over the next five years. The Browns have said they're paying him like he's the best cornerback in football.

07/11/14
 

Johnny Manziel's Girlfriend Colleen Crowley

 

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Ladies, you need a written confirmation from Johnny F-Bombs to use the word "girlfriend" when speaking about your relation to him. We're generally intelligent enough to infer that if you take a girl to venue after venue, event after event, game after game, carnival after carnival, and eating contest after eating contest, she's your girlfriend. However, Johnny Manziel's "girlfriend" Colleen Crowley has not yet gotten the paperwork in her mailbox from Johnny's people. She's your prototype blonde edgy internet trophy, so you know he's interested. You've seen'em before, and you know they're a hot commodity among young sports stars. Johnny-boy is sort of like the comic book sports star archetype. If you were writing a graphic novel, and you needed a character to play the quarterback, you'd likely draw him intuitively.

Manziel and Crowley have been spotted at pretty much every party and club. It's inferred now that they're a couple, though I would venture to guess that neither one has stated their feelings towards the other. You get a vibe like they're test-driving each other. It's a shame Johnny didn't stick with Chantel Jeffries. She seemed way more adventurous than Colleen, but how could mortals like us really know? We don't excel at the art of conversation like Johnny does. Either that, or we just don't throw a football as well and get as many headlines.

Now if Colleen Crowley looks and sounds familiar, then you're more astute than we are. Colleen Crowley's sister is Robyn Crowley,... who also happens to be the smokeshow, fun loving girlfriend of NBA star Chandler Parsons.

A brief recap on Manziel (in case you've been retreating to a cave whenever collegiate football and the NFL draft were mentioned in the past few years)-- he was the first freshman to ever win the Heisman, he  had a sky-high passer rating and threw a gaggle of touchdowns. What I find interesting these days about Johnny is that he's quite a bright fellow, having scored a 32 on the Wonderlic cognitive ability test. The Wonderlic is meant to assess your problem-solving and learning ability, with an average score of about 20 and a possible perfect score of 50. Only one player in the history of the NFL got a 50. His name is Pat McInally, and he's sort of a genius. Johnny scored a 32, which is indeed nothing to sneeze at. It's very high. Apparently, you don't want to score too high on the Wonderlic because coaches will think you'll have a tendency to challenge authority and undermine their decisions. Being a smartypants in the NFL makes the higher-ups insecure. You want to hit that sweet spot just like Johnny Football. Am I right, Colleen?