Cleveland Browns Wives and Girlfriends (WAGS)

08/29/14
 

Josh Gordon's Girlfriend Jenna Shea

 

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Josh Gordon's girlfriend she is not. Josh Gordon's call girl or Josh Gordon's escort Jenna Shea used his recent media exposure for getting suspended as an opportunity to raise her media profile. Though "raise" is a relative term as it applies to the internet. I'm not here to sit on a high horse and say I'm morally superior to anyone. I'm just pointing out the facts.

Jenna is a high-end call girl and escort. I'm not sure what else to call her because she sleeps with men for money. She's also slept with a ton of famous rappers like Fabolous and 'Lil Wayne. She's also taken it upon herself to rate their package sizes (apparently Fabolous was the winner). She's slept with James Harden after she was paid $20,000 to "hang out." She denied this in an interview on YouTube, but everyone seems so darn sure of it for some reason. Hmm, why would that be, Mr. Harden?

Jenna's picture of Josh featured him when his tattoo was unfinished, implying that it was awhile ago. But then she posted another picture of a 1st class plane ticket to Cleveland from about a week ago. She deleted the picture from her Instagram, but not before everyone screen-captured it. Well, I'm not sure if this is even bad news for Gordon compared to his year-long suspension. I mean, dang that is a long suspension for smoking some grass. I'm pretty sure the rule will be changed within a year or two, as it really belongs in another century, but there's nothing to be done for Josh now, and he mine as well buy Jenna another ticket to Cleveland to do some hanging out.

I also sort of wonder if it's hypothetically possible to go on a date with a professional escort like Jenna without a transaction being involved. Like, what if she actually prefers dating bookish nerds as opposed to millionaire rap stars and athletes?

08/28/14
 

Ben Tate's Girlfriend Tasha Malek

 

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Ben Tate's girlfriend Tasha Malek is the mother of Ben's child and an expert selfie-taker. Tasha attended the University of Alabama and graduated in 2008, and it's believed that the two met through college connections.

Tasha is also known for a few other things in the trashcan department: one is being a cast member whom was kicked off the show "Bad Girls Club," which is a Mary Ellis-Bunim show (the creator of The Real World). During her time on the show, she complained that another cast member put her belongings in a trashcan to a police officer, then she fought the other cast member and was ejected from the show and issued a summons from the police for disturbing the peace, resisting arrest, and theft. Tasha apparently also made the statement "I don't think it's right to be gay." She sounds dumber than a box of rocks, but Ben Tate thought she was good looking enough to scooper her up and make her his trophy girlfriend. Try watching a clip from Bad Girls Club Season 7 on YouTube and tell me it doesn't make you depressed.

Ben was a consistent performer on the Texans, averaging 4.3 yards per rush the last two seasons, and now he'll be looking to excel in Cleveland. He had actually played most of the season with cracked ribs, worrying girlfriend Tasha, and finally succumbed to the injured reserve list in December. His season was finished after that, but he's signed for a little over $6 million with incentives for two years, which should keep Tasha occupied enough in shopping malls and poolside selfie shoots. She has probably never worked a single day in her life outside of possibly doing some homework at Alabama-- probably in the easiest of subjects. I would be willing to bet that she majored in communications and that she's an absolutely atrocious communicator.

07/21/14
 

Joe Haden's Wife Sarah Haden

 

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Joe Haden's wife Sarah Haden changed her last name to his, as is the custom her for some reason. Seems arbitrary but whatever. Her former last name was Mahmoodshahi, which is way cooler sounding than Haden. It's pronounced "Mahk-mood-shah-hee" as compared to "Hay-din." No offense to Joe, but that's a trade-down.

Sarah and Joe were recently featured on one of those garish Wedding magazines for their wedding. It featured 19,000 square feet of white carpet (donated to Habitat for Humanity afterwards), cotton-candy martinis (barf) and strawberry Collins (gross) were the featured drinks. Joe wore gold shoes because he likes to show off. Haden is a solid player and got selected for the Pro Bowl last year after his 43 tackles and 4 interceptions. He got suspended for four games and four game checks for testing positive for Adderall. The suspension will cost him $1.356 million. Now what the heck was he doing with Adderall-- studying game footage into the wee hours of the night? Does Adderall help you lift weights now? I don't get it. Haden's wikipedia page is confusing when it comes to his pre-draft measurables because it has him down as a 4.69 in the 40-yard dash, and then it says that he ran 4.57 and disappointed the scouts. Well which was it? It's then cleared up that Joe had a bad back that day and later ran a 4.43 time on another "pro day." Still doesn't beat Champ Bailey's 4.29 time, Joe, and let's not even start with Bo Jackson's 4.12. I don't know why I get so caught up with these 40-yard dash numbers every time, but Bo Jackson is a machine.

So here's to hoping Sarah enjoys her life in Strongsville, Ohio in the lap of luxury as Joe pulls in $67.5 million over the next five years. The Browns have said they're paying him like he's the best cornerback in football.