MLB Wives and Girlfriends (WAGS)

09/03/14

Kole Calhoun's Wife Jennifer Calhoun

 

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Kole Calhoun's wife Jennifer Calhoun adds more solid evidence to the high school sweetheart theory we've been formulating as it relates to professional athletes. That is to say-- she has been with Kole since high school. My theory revolves around the idea that driven young athletes often will stay with their girlfriend indefinitely so as to maximize stability in their life.

Kole's wife Jennifer is a classy blonde, and she's already got herself a baby to dress up in classy baby clothes. A few of her Twitter pics have included shopping bags from places like Louis Vuitton and Prada, which she recently hit while on a trip to Boston. This just gives the ladies out there some idea of what it's like to be married to a guy who pulls in a half a mil a year. Kole's salary arbitration eligibility comes up in 2017, and that's when Jennifer's gonna hit up some even higher class joints and prep a new Bentley.

Mr. Calhoun and his wife Jennifer visited the CN Tower last September and stood on the glass floor on the 113th story. I've done this on the observation deck at the Sears Tower, which is called something else now, and man is it freaky. She posted a picture of her adventure in Toronto on her Twitter, and you can clearly see the very bottom about a quarter mile down. Jennifer's a big fan of Toronto and the SkyDome. The trip to Toronto was part of her celebration of being with Kole for 10 years. She's even included a picture of her at the age of 14 with Kole in high school. That's pretty impressive; I must say. It leads me to believe that Kole and Jennifer have only ever slept with each other, though I have no real way of knowing this. Break out the champagne, I guess?

09/16/14 (Updated)

John Rocker's Girlfriend Julie McGee

 

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John Rocker's girlfriend Julie McGee is a spray-tan business owner and future Survivor contestant. That's a lot of living right there. First of all, owning a spray-tan business is sort of like the Sopranos equivalent of "going straight." You're not committing any crimes, but your level of greasiness and low-brow practices continues unabated. Spraying on a tan is sort of baffling to me because it's very easily spotted and rarely improves one's looks. Let me be clear: I'm officially declaring war on the spray-on tan.

Now for this business of The Survivor Blood Vs. Water. Instead of classic single player competitive Surviving, we have couples vying for the million bucks. I don't know Julie, but the fact that she's dating Rocker means she's probably not very nice. Sorry, but I feel comfortable jumping to conclusions on this one. Rocker, though unapologetic, is an ignorant hick. The only thing attractive about the man are his big muscles and self-sure confidence. Confident jerks are the worst kind because their narcissism won't allow them to be dissuaded or even listen to reason. I'm really hoping Rocker and his girlfriend Julie "Faux Tan" McGee fail hard on Survivor. His comment on New York City (where I live) give me all sorts of license to hate him. His head is also too small for his body.

Enough stooping to the Rocker level. Let's talk a bit more about Rocker's girlfriend Julie McGee and her company. So the actual name of the business is True Glow Mobile Spray Tanning. There's a section on her site called "Face The Truth" in which she spews some facts about tanning beds and why they're a waste a time and unhealthy. I agree with her. I would've tacked on a paragraph about spray-tans being the ultimate waste of time, and that surely would not have jived with Her Royal Sprayness.

08/30/14 (Updated)

Derek Norris' Girlfriend Kristen Eck

 

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Derek Norris' girlfriend Kristen Eck is the perfect addition to the Technicolor world of the 21st Century Oakland Athletics, team of the future! She's got tastefully done purple and blue hair, she's beautiful, and she's spunky. She's also pals with Tina Milone, so you know she's cool. This happens a lot in wife and girlfriend circle amongst pro athletes. It's sort of like the wives in Goodfellas.

I have the perfect way to describe what Kristen looks like: she's a cross between a young Pamela Adlon and Karen Fillipelli. Nailed it, right? So Kristen is a hairstylist, and that explains the craftily cut mullet which Mr. Norris is known for. In a recent article in USA Today, Derek basically summarized Kristen's relationship to the mullet as something she puts up with and is cool about. He describes it as "back from the past, into the future," which is sort of apt considering mullets have been laying low for a long time. They mine as well rear their weird head now that it's 2014.

Derek's year with the A's has been great. You can't complain about a .305 batting average and 58 hits thus far. He's a good catcher with an arm, and I sort of think any catcher hitting above .270 is a bonus since good all-arounders are hard to come by. Like his teammates, Derek's an absolute steal at about $500,000 per year, which will of course rocket up as soon as he becomes a free agent. Them's the ropes. Your agent's helpless until you prove yourself and enter the market. I've said this about other Oakland supervalues-- Derek will probably be picked up by the Yankees at some point when he enters free agency, and then he'll start hitting .230 as soon as he dons the pinstripes. Seen it time and time again. According to baseballreference.com, he's not eligible to be a free agent until 2019, and the earliest that he'd be eligible for salary arbitration is 2016. Pretty sweet to be Billy Beane right about now.