MLB Wives and Girlfriends (WAGS)

09/01/14
 

John Rocker's Girlfriend Julie McGee

 

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John Rocker's girlfriend Julie McGee is a spray-tan business owner and future Survival contestant. That's a lot of living right there. First of all, owning a spray-tan business is sort of like the Sopranos equivalent of "going straight." You're not committing any crimes, but your level of greasiness and low-brow practices continues unabated. Spraying on a tan is sort of baffling to me because it's very easily spotted and rarely improves one's looks. Let me be clear: I'm officially declaring war on the spray-on tan.

Now for this business of The Survivor Blood Vs. Water. Instead of classic single player competitive Surviving, we have couples vying for the million bucks. I don't know Julie, but the fact that she's dating Rocker means she's probably not very nice. Sorry, but I feel comfortable jumping to conclusions on this one. Rocker, though unapologetic, is an ignorant hick. The only thing attractive about the man are his big muscles and self-sure confidence. Confident jerks are the worst kind because their narcissism won't allow them to be dissuaded or even listen to reason. I'm really hoping Rocker and his girlfriend Julie "Faux Tan" McGee fail hard on Survivor. His comment on New York City (where I live) give me all sorts of license to hate him. His head is also too small for his body.

Enough stooping to the Rocker level. Let's talk a bit more about Rocker's girlfriend Julie McGee and her company. So the actual name of the business is True Glow Mobile Spray Tanning. There's a section on her site called "Face The Truth" in which she spews some facts about tanning beds and why they're a waste a time and unhealthy. I agree with her. I would've tacked on a paragraph about spray-tans being the ultimate waste of time, and that surely would not have jived with Her Royal Sprayness.


 

Derek Norris' Girlfriend Kristen Eck

 

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Derek Norris' girlfriend Kristen Eck is the perfect addition to the Technicolor world of the 21st Century Oakland Athletics, team of the future! She's got tastefully done purple and blue hair, she's beautiful, and she's spunky. She's also pals with Tina Milone, so you know she's cool. This happens a lot in wife and girlfriend circle amongst pro athletes. It's sort of like the wives in Goodfellas.

I have the perfect way to describe what Kristen looks like: she's a cross between a young Pamela Adlon and Karen Fillipelli. Nailed it, right? So Kristen is a hairstylist, and that explains the craftily cut mullet which Mr. Norris is known for. In a recent article in USA Today, Derek basically summarized Kristen's relationship to the mullet as something she puts up with and is cool about. He describes it as "back from the past, into the future," which is sort of apt considering mullets have been laying low for a long time. They mine as well rear their weird head now that it's 2014.

Derek's year with the A's has been great. You can't complain about a .305 batting average and 58 hits thus far. He's a good catcher with an arm, and I sort of think any catcher hitting above .270 is a bonus since good all-arounders are hard to come by. Like his teammates, Derek's an absolute steal at about $500,000 per year, which will of course rocket up as soon as he becomes a free agent. Them's the ropes. Your agent's helpless until you prove yourself and enter the market. I've said this about other Oakland supervalues-- Derek will probably be picked up by the Yankees at some point when he enters free agency, and then he'll start hitting .230 as soon as he dons the pinstripes. Seen it time and time again. According to baseballreference.com, he's not eligible to be a free agent until 2019, and the earliest that he'd be eligible for salary arbitration is 2016. Pretty sweet to be Billy Beane right about now.

08/26/14
 

Mike Zunino's Wife Alyssa Zunino

 

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Mike Zunino's wife Alyssa Zunino married him in Florida in October of 2012 and spent one night celebrating at a hotel on a beach. Then they packed up and left so Mike could go play for some team nobody's ever heard of called the Peoria Javelinas. I wonder if Alyssa ever second-guessed her decision to marry a catcher who wasn't already in the big leagues, because now she doesn't have to worry about getting a nice bump in the bank account.

Mike's known his wife Alyssa since middle school and started dating her when they were sophomores in high school. This is a common theme in a lot of sports relationships. We tend to notice themes as we peruse the halls of hook-ups, long-term daters, and life-supporting marriage partners. Many professional athletes are married to women whom they've known since high school. I think what happens is they choose one girl that provides stability and support so they can focus all their attention on making it into the big leauges. Sounds a bit crass, but it does make sense. Anyway, Alyssa is a good girl. She likes the show 'The Bachelorette,' which I will admit I also watch, though my viewership is probably very different than Alyssa's, whom I will assume buys into the so-called romantic and sentimental aspects of the show.

An unusual sidenote about Alyssa's husband Mike: he wears his wedding ring on a necklace a la Frodo Baggins and the ring of power. This struck us as somewhat odd, as we've never really seen athletes do this. Did his uncle give him the wedding ring and then warn him not to wear it?

Alyssa is also dangerously close to tweezing off the very slim lane of eyebrow hair still remaining on her temple. I caution her to stop. I have a hunch most women overdo their eyebrows because it becomes a kind of anxiety-reducing habit that they can't let off the gas. Mike Zunino does not want to see his wife have to magic-marker on new eyebrows. That's not the cute little lady he remembers from Cape Coral, Florida.

Alyssa's best attempt at a joke on Twitter was putting a picture of her dog laying on some half-folded clothes and saying "I guess she didn't want me to fold laundry right now." Based on this, I'm starting to reconsider the immoderate eyebrow tweezing...