Mike Moustakas’ wife Stephanie Moustakas got a laundry list of florid, hyperbolic adjectives used about her by the old men that married her off at their wedding. Both Mike and Stephanie’s fathers listed so many attractive qualities about her, it’s impossible to think they weren’t pulling them from you know where. Mike’s father used the words “smart, beautiful, strong, brave, tough, warm, confident.” If you took out “beautiful” from the description, I might have mistaken Stephanie for a capable firefighter. The couple have a high-production wedding video that I recently watched. It is begging to be talked about a bit more, not least of all because it uses this insanely euphoric soundtrack that sounds like a time-stretched lullaby by Sigur Rós. I mean, anytime a professional ballplayer has a video like this on the internet, you’ve gotta’ dig in with a bitter sword and even things out. Also, just so you’re aware, the high-production doesn’t in any way translate to the video being entertaining, enriching, or interesting. It’s still bland, boring, and a huge waste of time.
At the wedding, Stephanie’s dad said into a microphone, “Now Mikey, Mikey smokes, drinks, gambles, chews tobacco, spits, and kind of fondles himself on national TV. But seriously– Mike is not without attributes. You’re a great, great player; a better person.” I wonder if he’s looked at Mike’s career stat sheets at all? Great, great player is not how I would describe Mike Moustakas. Moving on: dear old dad continues by pointing out that he’s had one girlfriend his entire life (Stephanie). Frankly, I don’t really consider that fact a good thing. Like, at all.
Anyway, Mike’s wife Stephanie gets really caught up in the emotion of being serenaded by Mike during his vows. He throws out that horrible old cliched line “You remind me of the first time I saw you. You have this glow around you. I knew from that day I was gonna’ spend the rest of my life with you.” No, Mike, you really didn’t, and please never ever say anything like that again. It’s sort of like how I didn’t know I would gag at your lines the first time I saw you in this wedding video.
As you can imagine, Stephanie’s vows were a bit less indigestible. I know I’m really tagging Mike on this one pretty hard, but Mike’s wife Stephanie does seem to be the brains of the operation. Hey, at least Mike’s team is red hot right now.